Fun With Leon and Ashley
by br0kenwind0ws
Summary: Pretty much the plot of Resident Evil 4, except entirely different. Rated M for pretty much every reason a story can be rated M.


Author's Note #1: I did not come up with the characters in this story. But you knew that already.

Author's Note #2: The characters in my story tend to say and do very naughty things. If you are too young to be exposed to naughtiness, or just happen to find naughtiness offensive, PLEASE don't read my story.

Author's Note #3: Some people don't like it when their favorite characters act in ways that those characters would not normally act. Well, that's going to happen in this story. A lot. So deal with it. Or, you could just go read something else.

Okay, on with the story...

That face. That beautiful, flawless face. He was in love, there was no doubt about it. Nobody on Earth could possibly compare to the downright sexy hot piece of ass he was looking at right now. He wanted a piece. Oh God, did he ever want a piece. If he could, he would take that smokin' hot bitch and fuck and fuck and fuck and fuck and fuck all night long.

"Leon! Stop checking yourself out in the mirror and let's go already!"

"Alright, alright! Jesus Christ!" He leaned forward and gave his reflection a kiss goodbye and promised he'd see him again soon. A single tear trickled down his cheek as he left.

"God, are you like, in love with your own reflection or something?"

"You don't understand what love is!" Leon yelled. Ashley rolled her eyes.

"Whatever, Leon. Let's get moving."

"Whatever, Leon, let's get moving! God I hate you." And he did hate her. She could never understand the love he felt for himself. Nobody ever did.

As they walked, Leon tried to distract himself by listing all of the reasons he was in love with himself. Number one would definitely have to be his body, a body that must have been chiseled by the hands of Michelangelo himself. Number two would have to be his amazing personality. Leon found that he could talk to himself for hours on end, without getting tired of his company. That's how you could tell that you really liked somebody, when you could spend every waking minute of your life with them and still want to see them more. Number three, he was pretty much a badass. Number four had to be the hair. God, he loved that hair. The way it swooshed in front of his face like the wings of some majestic bird. He could go on and on, but just then he thought of himself naked and couldn't help but spew a fountain of steaming hot jizz from the tip of his already erect penis.

"Oh godDAMMIT!" Ashley yelled as she was covered in the mess of white sticky goo. "This is, like, the fourth time this has happened today!"

"Well you try thinking about me being naked without ejaculating!" Leon said. "Jesus!" They had to take a short break in order for Ashley to go and clean herself up. Leon was unable to find a mirror anywhere nearby, so he settled for gazing at his image in the filthy water at the bottom of a nearby well.

Ashley, meanwhile, was wiping off the excess semen with a soiled dishrag she found in a nearby abandoned hut. Although she was grateful to Leon for rescuing her, she was somewhat less grateful to him for his tendency to leave her feeling dirty all over. In the few short hours they had spent together, she had not only had to suffer through his spontaneous ejaculations, but his graphic descriptions of what he would do to himself were he given the chance. Any attempt she made to dissuade him from speaking to her about himself in such a fashion led to him accusing her of being jealous that he had something she never would.

She finished with the rag and tossed it out the window. As she walked towards the door to get Leon, she heard a sickening growl. Slowly, she turned around, dreading what she would find. To her horror, she discovered that the semen-crusted rag had landed on the head of a particularly angry looking Las Plagas victim. He held a large knife in one hand and raised it over his head as he began to crawl through the window.

"I'm sorry!" Ashley screamed. "Please don't kill me!" The Ganado did not seem to hear her, and continued to advance. A large glob of semen rolled down his face.

"Prep rate a morir, perra!" the Ganado yelled.

"Sorry, I don't speak Spanish!" Ashley said, inching backwards towards the door. She managed to find the handle, and pushed it open. She turned around quickly and ran towards Leon. The Ganado followed her at a quick pace.

"Leon! Leon! Help!"

"Can't you see I'm busy?"

"You're not busy, you're just looking at your reflection!"

"What I'm doing is between me and my reflection, and is none of your concern!"

"But there's a zombie chasing me!"

"Ashley, there are no zombies here. What we've been fighting are people that have been manipulated by a special type of parasite. You calling them zombies just shows me what a stupid bitch you are, and does not make me want to help you."

"Please Leon!"

"Fine! God Jesus!" Leon painfully turned away from himself just in time to remove his gun from his holster and shoot the Ganado 3 times in the head. As he did so, the top of the Ganado's head burst open in a mess of blood and semen , and a large parasite burst out.

"Look what you've done now, you whore!"

"What? You're the one that shot it in the head!"

"And you're the one who's being a whore!" Leon quickly changed to his shotgun and blasted the parasite away. The lifeless, headless corpse collapsed onto the ground. Leon ran over to it and rummaged through its pockets.

"Yes! He had an herb on him! Great job Leon! Thanks, Leon. No problem, Leon, just giving thanks where thanks is due. Well, you would know, Leon. Say, Leon, what are you doing later tonight? I don't have anything planned, Leon, what did you have in mind? Well, Leon, I was thinking maybe you and I could get together. That sounds like a great idea, Leon, I'll bring along the scented oils and you can bring the vegetables. Oh, I like where this is going Leon."

"Leon!"

"Jesus shitting Christ, Ashley, I was having a moment! But now you've killed it! You've killed it dead! Thanks a lot!"

"We need to get moving, Leon"

"Yeah, well we can get moving once you shut your stupid whore mouth!"

"I'm not a whore! I'm a virgin!"

"Yeah, you know why you're still a virgin Ashley? Because you're a fucking whore!"

Leon and Ashley continued on for the next few hours in relative silence. They were making good progress through the village, only having to stop a few times for Leon to admire himself, or to shoot a few dozen Ganados, or for Ashley to wipe off semen. Eventually, they made it to the walls of a giant castle.

"Wow, look at that," said Ashley.

"Don't tell me what to do, whore!" said Leon, and shut his eyes as Ashley rolled hers. Had their eyes not been occupied, they would have noticed a woman in a red dress scaling one of the castle walls. See that? That's called foreshadowing.

Finally, Leon opened his eyes, after he had waited long enough so that it didn't seem like he was doing it because Ashley had told him to.

"Holy shit, it's a castle," said Leon.

"I know," said Ashley. "That's what I told you to look at half an hour ago."

"Ha ha, right, I'm sure you know what a castle is. You probably think castles are the place where you go get your car repaired. Ha ha. That's how fucking stupid you are."

"I know what a castle is! Why would I even think what you think I would think? That makes no sense!"

"It would make sense if you weren't a whore! Now let's see, I'm guessing the best way to get into the castle is that door right there."

"You mean the one that we're standing right in front of that's open?"

"Yes, that one. I wouldn't expect you to understand my reasoning." They walked through the doorway. As they did so, they instantly surrounded by a group of monks wearing black cloaks.

"Son of a bitch! This is all your fault, Ashley!"

"How is this at all my fault?"

"They must have picked up the scent of your dirty whore vagina! God knows I've had enough of it!"

"If they smelled anything on me it was your disgusting semen!"

"Hey! You leave my semen out of this! And my semen smells like sunshine and rainbows; I know that for a fact!" Leon took out his shotgun and took out several of the monks that were standing in front of him. He fired a few more rounds into the ones at his side. While they were on the ground, he shot them a few more times, for good measure. Unfortunately, when he turned his shotgun towards the monks that were dangerously close to abducting Ashley, he discovered he was out of shotgun ammo. Cursing, he quickly switched to his pistol and picked off the remaining five zombies, one of them as it as it was about to grab her.

"Well, look at that, it appears I saved your life. Again."

"Yes, I guess so. Thanks Leon. Even though you wouldn't have to save my life if you gave me a gun. Or a knife. Or a big stick. Pretty much if you gave me anything at all that would allow me to defend myself even slightly, I could probably manage." Leon fell to the ground, and began rolling around laughing.

"Oh God! You defending yourself! That's hilarious! Stop! It hurts!"

"Jerk." Leon stopped laughing and stood up again, angry at her remark.

"Well you're a whore. And besides, there is absolutely no way you could make even a rudimentary attempt to defend yourself. If I gave you a gun, your skinny lady arms would collapse under the weight. If I gave you a knife, you would probably impale yourself on it when you tripped over your high heels."

"I'm not wearing high heels!"

"Of course you are. You're a woman. Finally, I can't give you a big stick, because you'd probably just shove it up your vagina!"

"What? You're a sexist pig!"

"I know I'm a sexy stud Ashley, tell me something I don't already know for a change. Anyway, since someone wasted all my shotgun ammo, we're going to have to search these corpses for more." Ashley sighed and complied with his demands. After the search was complete, they came up with a canister of first aid spray, three cases of pistol ammo, and a blue gem, but no shotgun ammo.

"Son of a bitch!" Leon yelled. "Thanks a lot, Ashley! Great job finding me not any goddamn shotgun ammo at all!"

"I hope I'm not interrupting anything!" said a voice from a doorway a few feet away. Ashley and Leon turned to see the face of Luis Sera smiling at them. In he held a pair of pistols in his hands, which he twirled in an elegant fashion before sliding them into the holsters on his hips.

"Luis!" Ashley said. "I'm so happy to see you! I thought for sure you must have died after we got separated a couple of hours ago!"

"I am not happy to see you, Luis," said Leon. "For the same reason Ashley is happy to see you. I thought I'd seen the last of your stinky Mexican ass."

"That would be my stinky Spanish ass, Se or Kennedy. And no, I happen to be very much alive. Good thing too, as I can once again gaze upon the face of this esta chica muy atractiva." Luis moved closer to Ashley and ran a finger through her hair, gazing into her eyes. She sighed at batted her eyelashes.

"Gay!" Leon yelled. "You're both gay! You like it in the ass! You're a bunch of queer homos!"

"I take offense to that," said Luis, turning his gaze towards Leon. "First off, my brother is gay, and I don't think it is right to use being gay a reason to insult somebody. And secondly, you are insinuating that the obvious attraction between me and this incredibly good looking lady makes us gay somehow. The basis for your insult seems to be calling us homosexual because of our heterosexual behavior, which does not make any sense."

"Yeah, because you're a fag," said Leon. "And Mexican."

"Shut up Leon," said Ashley, moving closer to Luis. Luis wrapped his arm around her and smiled.

"Shall we continue on together, Se or Kennedy? I think the lady can use the help of a man that does not constantly insult her."

"Whatever, chubby chaser. Just don't get in my way." The trio continued through the castle, encountering several of the Las Plagas infected monks as they did. With Luis now a part of their group, they were quickly disposed of. Leon seemed to be more focused on his mission as well. He managed to refrain from any particularly nasty ejaculations, although he wasn't able to help himself when he caught a glimpse of his reflection in the puddle of blood leaking from the hole in the head of a recently deceased monk.

They had finally reached what appeared to be an exit when the sound of a tiny throat being cleared could be heard. The three of them turned around to see where the sound came from, and found a short man wearing a Napoleon outfit.

"Hello, my name is Ramon Salazar. I think it is time that you three learned the true meaning of monster." Before he could reveal what the true meaning of monster was, however, he was silenced by two quick shots to the face.

"Well that guy was annoying as hell," said Leon, putting his gun away.

"For once, Se or Kennedy, I agree with you," said Luis.

"He looked absolutely ridiculous," said Ashley. "Did he think he was actually intimidating?"

"Probably," said Leon. "But in the end, he was just a small time villain."

"That's terrible, Leon."

"I guess his power of intimidation was in short supply."

"Please, Se or Kennedy, cease your pitiful attempt at humor."

"I'm just saying, you're a dirty gay Mexican. And Ashley's a whore."

"That's it!" yelled Luis. He removed his pistols and aimed both of them at Leon's head. "Se or Kennedy, I am going to have to ask you to stop insulting the two of us. If you do not comply, I believe that shooting you in the face will be entirely justified."

"Make a move, es ." Luis's fingers pressed against both triggers, but before he could press them all the way, something grabbed him from behind. Salazar, apparently, was not as dead as he had looked. And now several large tentacles, like the one that had grabbed Luis, were sprouting from his sides. Luis dropped his pistols as he was thrown into the air.

"Luis!" Ashley screamed. Leon casually walked over to her and threw her over his shoulder.

"Time to go, Ashley."

"No! We've got to help him!"

"Oh, right, yeah, I'm going to help somebody I'm not getting paid to save. That's totally going to happen. Come on. Try not to get too turned on by your vagina bouncing against my manly shoulders as I carry you." Ashley continued to scream, and tried to kick her way free. Leon calmed her down by hitting her over the head with his pistol until she passed out.

"Wow, I should have done that a long time ago," said Leon. He opened the door leading outside the castle, carrying Ashley as Luis continued to struggle against Salazar's many tentacles. Leon carried Ashley outside to a large a body of water. Conveniently enough, a small motorboat was on the shore. Leon tossed Ashley into the boat, and turned around to make a phone call.

"Hello? Leon?"

"What up Hunnigan? How's your fine self doing?"

"Please, Leon, try to be professional."

"Yeah, I'd like to professionally have sex with your face, if you know what I mean."

"Unfortunately I know exactly what you mean, Leon, because you seem incapable of using euphemisms."

"Yeah, I'll euphemism you. In the ass!"

"Leon, what do you have to report?"

"Oh, I've the president's sister or whatever, so we're ready to go."

"Can you give me your location?"

"Hold on, let me check," Leon turned towards the boat. "Wake up whore! Where the fuck are we?" There was no response. It wasn't due to Ashley's unconsciousness, though. Ashley was gone. And so was the boat. Leon looked in the distance to see the boat being driven away towards an island. Leon picked his phone back up.

"Uh, I'll get back to you," Leon said, and hung up. "Well, I've certainly gotten myself into a pretty nasty situation, haven't I Leon? Don't blame yourself, Leon, it's not your fault. You're right Leon, it's Ashley's fault for being so young and vulnerable. At least we're alone now, Leon. Oh yes, Leon, we are alone. What do you want to do, Leon? What do you want to do Leon? I think we both know what I want to do, Leon. Oh, Leon, you're bad."

Leon spent the next hour making passionate love to himself. It would be best if it was not described in detail. After its conclusion, Leon lay naked in a pool of his own semen smoking a cigarette. He let out a moan of satisfaction, and opened his eyes. Somebody was standing above him.

"Hello Leon."

"Hello Ada," said Leon, closing his eyes again. Then, after registering what he had just seen and said, they sprung open again.

"I was wondering how long it would take to hit you," she said.

"Ada! But you're supposed to be I thought you were why did you how what the flying fuck are you doing here?"

"Not really any of your business Leon. But something tells me we both have the same destination. And it looks like you could use a ride. Which I happen to have." She pointed towards a boat that she must have pulled up to the shore while he was distracted.

"Well, look at that," said Leon. "Let's go!"

"Why don't you put your clothes back on first?" Ada asked, as she sat down in the boat.

"Uh, because I don't fucking feel like it Ada," said Leon, sitting down next to her. "Why does everybody always ask me that? No, I'll put my clothes back on when I decide it's time to put my clothes back on. And that might not be for a very, very long time. Besides, it's not like you haven't seen me naked before."

"Oh God, don't remind me," said Ada, as she started the boat's engine and started to drive. "The ten months we were together were absolutely terrible for me. The constant insults, your inability to have a mature conversation, the way every time we had sex you called it a threesome. Oh, and you were obviously more in love with yourself than you were with me."

"Now that's just ridiculous," said Leon, "I wasn't in love with you at all. I just told you that so you'd bone us."

"Whatever, Leon, let's just get to the island so we can be on our merry little ways."

"Are you sure you're not in the mood for a quickie?" said Leon. "I mean, I am already naked. And that dress of yours is unbelievably slutty."

"Thanks, but I'd rather shove shards of broken glass into my eyes."

"Oh," said Leon, standing up. "So you like having things shoved in your eye?"

"Leon, I swear to God, if you touch me I will snap that thing off." The boat came to a stop. "Anyway, we're here. I'll hopefully not see you later." Ada fired her grappling gun onto the top of a nearby building, and flew into the air. In mere seconds, she was gone.

"Yep," said Leon. "She wants me." He decided it was time to put his clothes back on, but realized he had accidently left them back at the castle. Happy for an excuse to go naked, he cheerfully continued onward, killing several Ganados as he did. After several hours, and countless ejaculations, Leon made it to a large factory. He kicked the door open.

"Welcome, Mr. Kennedy!" said a cheerful yet sinister voice. Facing him was a man wearing a cloak. The man could only be Saddler. Ashley was cowering in a corner, covering her eyes.

"Guess I'm not too late for the party," said Leon.

"No, you're not," said Saddler. "The party has only just begun!" With that, Saddler began mutating and contorting his body, as several extra appendages began sprouting from his body. From his right side a giant muscular arm escaped, with an enormous spike on the end. From his left side another arm emerged, with a hideous claw attached. Spikes burst through his skin. His legs became a tangled mess of tentacles, all with deadly looking suckers on them. His mouth became impossibly wide, revealing row after row of sharp teeth capable of ripping apart flesh. Saddler grew until he was nearly the size of a house. When his transformation was complete, he raised his many arms and prepared to attack.

Leon shot him with a rocket launcher. Saddler fell to the ground, dead.

"That was rather anticlimactic," said Leon. "Oh well. He's dead now. Ashley, I just saved your life. For, like, the billionth time! You can uncover your eyes now."

"I covered my eyes because you're naked and that is something that I don't want to see."

"Stop kidding yourself, Ashley. There is not a woman on this Earth that is capable of resisting the seductive powers of Leon Kennedy. Now, as much as I find you absolutely disgusting in every way, I really think the only way to relieve all this sexual tension is for you crawl your way on over here and give me some sweet lovin'."

"I'd rather kill myself."

"Oh," said Leon, walking towards her, "So you like having things kill you?" It was at that moment that Leon heard a gunshot from behind him, accompanied by a sharp feeling of pain in his right shoulder. He looked down to see blood leaking from a bullet hole there.

"No!" Leon screamed. "Somebody destroyed my beautiful shoulder!" He spun around and saw the man who had shot him. He was wearing a cloak filled with various weapons and armaments.

"We meet again, stranger," said the man.

"Merchant!" gasped Leon. "How could you?" The merchant raised his gun and shot Leon's left shoulder, matching his right.

"That last purchase you made," said the merchant. "For the large carrying case. You didn't have enough cash, stranger. But you took it anyway, so I came up with another way to get my payment."

"Buy you don't have to kill me!" said Leon. "I'd be willing to have sex with you to make up my debt!" The merchant laughed.

"Stranger, I'd rather swallow a gallon of lighter fluid."

"Oh," said Leon, walking towards the merchant. "So you like swallowing things?" The merchant responded by shooting Leon fifteen more times, seven in his right leg and eight in his left. Leon screamed and fell over.

"I'm shot Leon! I know, Leon, but you've got to be strong! I'll try, Leon, I'll try to be strong for you."

"Oh, God, shut up!" said Ada, who had just walked in. She unloaded a complete round of machine gun ammo into Leon's right arm. "You have no idea how long I've wanted to do that."

"Ada!" Leon screamed through clenched teeth. "Just because I broke up with you doesn't give you the right to shoot me!"

"I'm shooting you because you're a fucking asshole that needs to be shot," she said. "And I broke up with you!"

"Ha! Ha ha! Right! Like anybody would break up with this fine piece of ass! You're fucking hilarious!" Before he could laugh any more, he was shot several times in his left arm.

"I'm pleased to see you again, Se or Kennedy. Mainly because I am able to do this."

"Augh! Faggot! Beaner!"

"Let it all out, Se or Kennedy, let it all out," said Luis as he continued to shoot Leon repeatedly.

The three of them spent the next several minutes causing Leon a significant amount of pain. Eventually, they grew tired, and dropped their weapons. Leon lay on the floor, all of his limbs destroyed, and blood pooling around him. Ashley, for the first time since his arrival, uncovered her eyes. She stood up, and walked slowly in front of Leon's body.

"Leon, I was thinking, when this is all over, maybe you and I could do some overtime. What do you say?"

Leon gurgled something unintelligible.

"That's what I thought, bitch" said Ashley, and promptly stomped on his testicles. Leon let out a cry of pain. Ashley continued to stomp until his testicles resembled overcooked lasagna. Eventually she grew tired, and wiped the bottom of her shoe off on Leon's face.

Ashley turned toward Luis and Ada. "I'm so happy it's all finally over. I've never felt so alive in my life! So are you two up for a threesome?"

"Hell yes!" said Luis.

"I was hoping this slutty dress would attract your attention!" said Ada.

The three of them purchased several interesting costumes and toys from the merchant, and then walked outside. The beautiful Spanish sun was just rising. It was a great day for an orgy. Ada stripped off her slutty red dress. Ashley slipped out of her green skirt and orange top. Luis remained clothed for awhile, savoring the moment, hardly able to believe how goddamn lucky he was. Ada placed her hands on Ashley's breasts, Ashley grabbed Ada's firm ass, and the two of them kicked the threesome off with a passionate kiss.

Meanwhile, Leon spent his last few minutes with his one true love. He then died from blood loss. Nobody noticed or cared.


End file.
